By Jim Morris

She lacked motivation. She felt sad and empty.

Sometimes during a workout swimmer Erika Seltenreich-Hodgson would burst into tears.

“You can’t keep going if you are sobbing hysterically,” said the Ottawa native, who now trains at the High Performance Centre – Vancouver. “You feel embarrassed.”

The 21-year-old UBC student couldn’t understand why she felt like dark clouds were hanging over her life. That resulted in guilt, which deepened the sadness.

“You don’t have any sense of reason for why you are feeling these feelings,” said Seltenreich-Hodgson. “It gets you even more down.

“You (feel like you are) spiraling downward. It just keeps getting worse. It’s really hard to dig yourself out of it.”

For several months Seltenreich-Hodgson lived in her gloom, doing her best to cope. She didn’t understand what was happening but accepted it as normal. She never guessed she was suffering from depression.

That changed the day she realized she felt like she hated swimming.

“When I actually, finally, realized I was hating swimming, that was probably one of the first times I realized something was wrong,” she said. “I never really hated swimming before that.

“I also stopped loving to race. That was a big highlighter. That is the one thing I always loved, getting up on the pool deck, getting up on the blocks, and racing my heart out.”

During the recent Olympic & Para-swimming Trials, Seltenreich-Hodgson finished second in the 200-metre individual medley and swam under the standard needed to earn a spot on the Canadian team heading to this summer’s Olympic Games in Rio de Janerio.

Afterwards, an emotional Seltenreich-Hodgson battled tears as she talked about fulfilling a dream she’d had since she was 10 years old and how she had “pulled through” a difficult year.

Back in 2012, a 16-year-old Seltenreich-Hodgson missed making the team headed to the London Games, but felt confident the dream would become a reality.

“That was one of the first times I really appreciated I could do it,” she said.

By February of 2015 her Rio dream was teetering on becoming a nightmare.

Seltenreich-Hodgson had always been an emotional person with “really high highs and really low lows.” But something was different now.

At first she just thought the sadness, the crying bouts, were a result of stress from school, or the monotony of workouts, even the dark, wet Vancouver weather. It wasn’t until she spoke with UBC psychologist Whitney Sedgwick that Seltenreich-Hodgson realized she was experiencing depression.

“I denied it for a little while,” she said. “I never thought depression was my issue.”

Through all the dark times Seltenreich-Hodgson never thought about harming herself.

“People think if you’re not suicidal you probably don’t have depression,” she said. “I didn’t have (suicidal thoughts) so I didn’t even think depression was on my radar.

As a mental performance consultant, Sedgwick is one of several support staff available to the swimmers at the High Performance Centre – Vancouver. Once Sedgwick explained the symptoms of depression, Seltenreich-Hodgson had an idea what she was dealing with. Just talking about depression and getting a better understanding of its impact improved her life.

“For months I was going through it, I never talked about it because I didn’t have anything to say,” she said. “I couldn’t open up to my friends. I felt like I didn’t have an excuse. I didn’t have anything they could help me with.”

Seltenreich-Hodgson chose not to use medication to deal with her condition, and sought treatment with Sedgwick. Through this professional support, she developed an understanding of the ways in which depression can be managed and treated. This involved changing the way she thought about herself, her swimming and the world. Practical strategies involved altering her daily routines to manage effectively.

One strategy she used to reinforce her belief in herself and her connection with enjoyment involved writing three things she was grateful for daily (such as the sun shining for five minutes).

If Seltenreich-Hodgson felt a crying attack coming on, she’d think of five of her favourite songs, or five books she liked.

“It takes your mind off your present experience,” she said.

Understanding what was going in her life allowed Seltenreich-Hodgson to talk with family and friends and coaches.

“I was able to tell them what was going on with me, which then helped them know how to handle it,” she said. “A lot of people don’t know how to help somebody with depression.”

According to the Canadian Mental Health Association, approximately eight per cent of adults will experience major depression at some time in their lives. Approximately five per cent of males and 12 per cent of females between the ages of 12 and 19 have experienced a major depressive episode.

The Clinical Journal of Sport Medicine (23 (4), 2013, 273-277) found that the majority of evidence examining elite athletes indicates that depression occurs at a similar or increased frequency as within the general population, with female athletes reporting 1.32 times greater odds of experiencing symptoms of depression and higher levels of depressive symptoms when compared with male athletes.7

The CMHA also says once depression is recognized, treatment can make a difference for up to 80 per cent of people affected, allowing them to get back to their regular activities.

What Seltenreich-Hodgson learned from her experience is the need for the symptoms of depression to be better explained and communicated. That would allow people suffering its effects to seek help earlier.

“Before getting help, I didn’t even know there was a way to measure it,” she said about depression’s signs.

“Getting help was the turning point. Even if you don’t know for sure you are having these symptoms, getting help can only help. Even if you’re not depressed, getting help, talking to somebody, is really important.”

Seltenreich-Hodgson has no doubt that had she not sought professional support, she would not have been able to qualify for the Olympic team.

“When I look back and think about all those months of walking around in a zombie-like state,” she said. “At the time I didn’t know it wasn’t abnormal. Now that I am so much happier, I feel like I thrive on life. I’m just so excited by small things. I want to go to the pool. I love working hard in a workout.

“I have taken back that love I had for swimming.”